I’m a wealthy dentist and my husband is a lawyer — we lied to our 22-year-old son about being able to afford his $80K college tuition, so he went into debt. But now he won’t speak to us

What they did right

The crux of this drama involves the skyrocketing expense of higher education, the question of how far parents should go to teach “financial responsibility,” and the collateral damage when deception creeps into family life. Some might sympathize with the parents’ desire for their child to understand the weight of financial obligations; others would view the lie as an inexcusable violation of trust.

Ultimately, the fallout suggests that keeping a child in the dark might achieve a short-term goal but also inflict long-term harm on the relationship.

From a practical standpoint, insisting a college-age child pay for all or part of an expensive education can offer valuable lessons. The College Board says private university tuition routinely surpasses $40,000 per year, prompting many parents to worry about raising kids who aren’t financially grounded.

By having to handle federal loans, private loans, or a heavy work-study schedule, the student in this scenario might have become more diligent about time management and budgeting.

A 2018 EVERFI survey of over 104,000 incoming college students from more than 410 institutions revealed a general lack of financial knowledge, skills, and future planning among young adults in higher education. Helping a student navigate loan paperwork, interest rates, and repayment timelines can close that knowledge gap.

This approach to tuition — making the student cover a chunk of expenses — can foster a sense of ownership over one’s education. Parents might believe that children who invest their own money and labor into their schooling will value it more, finish on time, and hustle for scholarships and grants they might otherwise overlook. In theory, teaching independence and grit can be a meaningful gift that lasts well beyond college.

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Where they went wrong

A Pew Research Center study notes two-thirds of parents consider it extremely important for their children to grow up to be honest and ethical individuals, further underscoring the value placed on honesty within family relationships. In this scenario, the son felt blindsided and humiliated by the realization that his years of working, borrowing, and worrying could have been mitigated — or even avoided entirely — if only his parents had been transparent.

This breach of trust can cause anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal. More troubling, the revelation arrived at a sensitive juncture — right after the son graduated, eager to move into a professional life but saddled with debt that might now feel cruelly unnecessary.

A middle ground?

If the parents were keen on encouraging their son to take responsibility, they might have spelled out their intentions rather than feigning financial distress. They might have openly said, “We want you to apply for scholarships and take on student work to ensure you appreciate the investment in your future. However, we’ll help cover a portion if you meet certain conditions.”

Some families adopt a matching strategy, where the parents match what the student earns or qualifies for in grants up to a set limit. Others outline a clear division of tuition costs, making it understood that the parent’s contribution is partial but guaranteed, provided the child remains in good academic standing.

When both parties have a say in how to finance college, students gain experience in financial planning and the security of knowing they won’t face hidden roadblocks. That balance can avoid the heartbreak of discovering one’s parents opted for a ruse.